Building a Conscious Relationship From the Inside Out:
It Begins with Y.O.U.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S TIME FOR A CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP?
“Comes the Dawn” ~Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in midflight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn … and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
WAKING UP
Choosing the conscious path – listen to and follow your inner knowing
When it comes to building a conscious relationship from the inside out, it all begins with you. For many of you, this journey originates at a point when a stirring begins deep within that calls you to something more, something different, something bigger. This stirring is what the poem above is all about. It usually develops after some time of suffering, where frustration with what you have always known grows bigger than the safety of the familiar. It’s time to seek a different way.
I often refer to that stirring as your “inner knowing.” Developing a relationship with this part of yourself is the foundation of my writings up to this point. As your relationship with yourself grows and gets stronger, you learn to listen to and follow this inner knowing. It then becomes a trusted guide that leads you down a path of consciousness, self-awareness, self-care and self-love. Once you choose this path, aligning your life with it becomes your new familiar. With this alignment, you may see shifts in your relationships with your work, your family, your partner, your children, and with Life itself. It calls you to get into integrity with your Self and then to choose relationships that encourage you to grow, be, and expand rather than those that restrict, restrain, or retract you from being your true self in its fullest expression. This is what it means to be in a “conscious relationship” and brings new meaning to the phrase, “you cannot truly love another until you fully love yourself.”
I want nothing less for you, which is why I am writing this blog series on conscious relationships. As a marriage and family therapist, I am naturally drawn to this topic, but as I have finally found a partner to practice this kind of relationship with, I also feel called to share with you what I have been learning along the way.
Learn to tell the Truth to yourself
For many of you, self-deception has become a trusted friend. This is the part of yourself that tends to minimize bad behavior, say “I’m fine” when you are clearly not, make excuses for unacceptable treatment, and who continues to press on in spite of overwhelming stress, illness, social or societal pressures, or learned patterns that sabotage your well-being. Before you can begin to communicate in a healthy, effective way with a partner, you must first learn to tell the truth to yourself. This is often more difficult, believe it or not. For many of you, shame about these behaviors, or shame about needing to ask for help, or shame about having any needs at all that may inconvenience others or cause them some sort of perceived discomfort, can get in your way and create all sorts of sabotage to your self-care needs.
Learn to tell the truth. The messy, embarrassing, and/or inconvenient truth. It is yours after all and it is the only way to free yourself from destructive, toxic, or codependent ways of living and ways of engaging in relationships. Once you begin to unearth these truths and make space to listen to what it is that you need, you may begin to identify behaviors, people, places, and things that no longer serve you in your life. And you may then begin to identify those behaviors, people, places, and things that do serve you. This process is often what I refer to as “your work” in therapy. It is not always easy to begin, but I can promise you that you will feel more and more relief as the work unfolds.
The relief comes with seeing yourself for who you really are and beginning to allow others to see you. Seeing yourself through the lens of truth is most clear within a practice of self acceptance and compassion. Use affirmations, visualizations, and meditation to open your heart to the parts of you that are imperfect, messy, and complicated. The parts that don’t always make sense but do the best they can with what they know in the moment. I often refer to these parts as “shadows.” They tend to live in the “blindspots” of your experience and often sneak up on you in close relationships. Shadows run amuck in unconscious relationships. When we move into a more conscious relationship and allow shadows to be seen in the light (i.e., your conscious awareness) these parts are truly your most beautiful, precious, and valuable assets to learning about yourself, healing old wounds, exponential personal growth, and unlocking your potential for a deeply intimate and conscious relationship.
Get clear about what you want
Once you learn to tell the truth to yourself, you are more prepared to tell your truth to a potential partner or to your current partner if that has not been your practice thus far. Whether or not you are seeking a new relationship or trying to revive or improve an existing one, this process is helpful. If you are not clear about what you truly want from yourself, in a relationship, and from your partner, you are sending mixed messages to the Universe. If you say something like, “I refuse to be treated (insert intolerable behavior) ever again,” and then you allow this to happen to yourself again or continue to lie to yourself about it as time goes on, you are sending a mixed message. Get clear about what you want. Ask for it all. Yes, everything. Yes, even that quality in a partner you secretly believe doesn’t exist but is what you really really want. Even the things you thought were impossible to experience in a relationship. Make a list. Write it down. Read it often. Meditate with it. Update it as needed. Allow yourself to develop an expectancy about it manifesting in your life. This is not an entitled expectation. This is a covenant that you make with the Universe and then a decision to trust in your highest good. Be willing to make changes, to speak up, to ask, and to let go as necessary in order to bring your life, your Self, and your relationships into alignment with what you truly desire. This is not hocus pocus. This is powerful. This is how I ended up in this place, right now, writing this blog to you.
And lastly, but most importantly, refuse to settle for anything less than what you want. The only relationships that you will miss out on if you stick to this are the ones that will cause you suffering and misery. And you may just find yourself in the relationship of your dreams.
If you are currently in a partnership that you want to transition into a more conscious relationship, or if you are starting over or just starting out, feel free to contact me for counseling services. I would be honored to have the opportunity to work together and help you to build a more fulfilling, successful and joyful relationship with yourself and your partner!
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