Conscious Relationships are not all Rainbows, Butterflies, and Unicorns
Contrary to popular belief, relationships are not here to make you happy. Conscious relationships are no exception. Relationships are here to teach and grow you. This process of developing awareness that leads to growth and healing is not always pretty or comfortable. Remember those wonderful little shadows we talked about in my last blog? Well, they tend to run amuck at times and cause disturbances between you and your partner, because they are the parts of you that need to grow.
So often in my office I hear the words, “I just want to make him/her happy.” “I thought this relationship would make me happy.” “Why is this relationship/marriage so hard?” This belief system that our society has supported and reinforced has not been helpful. It leads to unrealistic and misguided expectations of relationships that need a new focus.
The only person in your life that can “make” you happy is you. This what so many of my past blogs have focused on. When we expect our relationships (or anything external for that matter) to be full of validation, happiness, and comfort, we miss the opportunities that show up. These opportunities challenge residual immaturity and help you to grow up and inhabit your full potential. If you aren’t being challenged on some level in your relationship, you are practicing denial or avoidance in some way. The trouble is, avoidant ways of coping will not result in a long-lasting, sustainable relationship.
So, let’s take a closer look at what these opportunities for growth are (I like to call them disturbances) and how you might deal with them more effectively in order to enhance, expand, and deepen your relationships.
What is a Disturbance?
I want to begin talking about disturbances by first saying what they are not. Disturbances are NOT “red flags” or drama cycles. Disturbances are not abusive experiences. If these patterns are present and causing distress in your relationship, they may be a cause to evaluate whether this is the healthiest relationship for you.
However, in a committed, loving, and healthy-intentioned relationship, it is inevitable that you will encounter disturbances. These are uncomfortable feelings that arise inside of you that disturb the positive flow of energy between you and your partner. It may come in the form of an intuitive twinge of uneasiness in your stomach, a feeling of hurt or sadness in your chest after an argument or conversation, or a need within you that calls to be shared but you fear your partner will be unable to handle or hear your experience.
What Fuels a Disturbance?
When contemplating this blog, I came up with three sources that tend to fuel disturbances. These cover what I most frequently deal with in my office and even within my own relationship.
Your Shadows:
When you encounter an interaction with your partner that “triggers” a reaction within you (i.e., defensiveness, fear, hurt, shame, guilt, sadness, anger), a disturbance appears. Your protective instinct will be to lash out at your partner or blame him/her in some way. Remember, this is YOUR opportunity to learn something about yourself. Whatever is triggered, gives you a clue to a part of you that needs acknowledgement and healing. Take this as the growth catalyst that it is, rather than blame your partner for “making” you feel this way. In the end, your challenge will be to thank them for bringing this to you!
A Need for Self-Preservation/Agency/Creativity:
Healthy relationships require a balance between closeness and separateness. Too much of either end of the spectrum can be damaging. Becoming “one” does not allow room for each individual to have a full sense of “Self.” On the other hand, having so much time apart often leads to the sense that you are living “parallel lives” and you may eventually grow apart.
However, in many relationships, partners tend to start out completely fused together and then begin to add in more and more separate activities to cope. The anxiety or restlessness created by fusion is a type of disturbance. Rather than run for the hills every chance you get, it may be helpful to acknowledge the need within you for more time with yourself to just “be.” You may also sense a need to be your own authority and make room for creativity. Acknowledging this within yourself and sharing that need with your partner is a growth opportunity. It opens space for you to create a truly healthy, interdependent relationship (rather than an unhealthy, co-dependent one).
Environmental/Life Circumstances:
Sometimes life itself creates disturbances. Some common examples are: a stressful life event, a significant loss, moving and/or moving in together, job changes, adding children, retirement, empty nest, travelling outside your comfort zone, family-of-origin stressors, natural disasters, issues with your children. Each of these events have the potential to throw you off balance and push you out of your comfort zone.
This can create a disturbance in the familiar flow of your relationship and require you and your partner to expand and adapt to be able to hold this new experience. Give yourselves the opportunity to challenge your relationship to be able to handle whatever life presents.
Ways to Resolve a Disturbance
Face it! Get close to it:
Explore what is coming up for you through a disturbance and see what it has to teach you. Our shadows, although childlike, are quite wise in what they have to offer us. Meditation, journaling, or time in a quiet contemplative space are great ways to get closer to your experience.
Create a “corrective experience:”
If you don’t like the way you first handled a disturbance, or you notice that an old dysfunctional pattern emerged, try again! You are completely free to create what my partner and I call a “corrective experience.” Start the conversation over, revisit the last place you had an argument or a disturbance and allow yourself to say something loving to your partner instead, or ask for forgiveness.
It is amazing what a do-over can do for you. It may feel a bit ridiculous at first, but the humor you will find in what you are doing will be a part of your healing. Be gentle with yourself and each other. You are learning a new way to be together and it takes patience and A LOT of practice.
Take some time with yourself:
If you find you are missing yourself, rather than needing to get away from your partner, give yourself some time and attention. This is for you to take for yourself. You do not need permission, and it is not your partner’s job to notice this for you. When you spend time with yourself, do something that fills you up. Practice self-care. Engage your spiritual practice. Release all distractions that serve to numb and disconnect you from yourself.
This is your time to plug into your Divine source. Plugging in will give you the clarity you need to know whatever is fueling your inner disturbance. From that quiet, confident, inner knowing, you can share with your partner from a place of love, consciousness, and presence. Your partner will hear you much more clearly and the disturbance will likely resolve itself.
Have an honest conversation with your partner:
Sharing the inarguable truth with your partner is a simple (but not always easy) way to resolve disturbances. The “inarguable” truth is YOUR experience and contains many more “I” statements than “You” statements. The inarguable truth is about you, what you are feeling, what you have learned about yourself, what you are now aware of, what you want to commit to going forward, and what you would like to request from your partner.
This way of sharing with your partner diffuses defensiveness and allows him/her to hear you without trying to decide who is “right.” Learning how to tune into your truth and then share it is also a practice that over time, will allow disturbances to pass quickly. You are then able to reach a level of resolution that strengthens your relationship and helps you to know yourself and your partner on a much deeper level.
Embrace Your Disturbances
Know there is always strength and more integrity and intimacy on the other side of any disturbance. Learn to embrace these opportunities for growth, rather than avoid them. The joy, peace, and balance you will feel within and be able to share with your partner will be worth any discomfort you encounter along the way. Give yourself and your relationship a chance to withstand the experience of two whole people coming together to expand into their fullest expression and capacity for love. Because ultimately, isn’t that what we are all truly here for?
If you and your partner need more assistance with identifying or communicating disturbances, couples counseling can be a wonderful resource. Please feel free to browse my couples counseling page for more information about how I may help.
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