Building a Conscious Relationship From the Inside Out: Embrace Your Shadows
Embrace your shadows
What is a “shadow” anyway? A shadow is a part of you that is yet to be discovered. It tends to be comprised of personality traits, coping mechanisms, old inherited messages, learned family patterns, and core beliefs and decisions that served you in childhood, but may tend to get in your way as an adult. Particularly in your intimate relationships. These “parts” that live in the shadows of your mind are unconscious to you until you begin to seek and develop self-awareness and bring these parts of you into the light of your consciousness. They often tend to possess child-like qualities.
You might also refer to these parts as your “issues.” These can be trust issues, abandonment issues, fears, traumas, and/or introjected messages from authority figures growing up. These issues manifest into behaviors and oftentimes may feel like masks or personas that get expressed in life and relationships. We have all kinds of names for them: the perfectionist, the avoider, the nice guy/girl, the angry person, the addict, etc.
And why should you embrace them? Can’t you just get rid of them? Well, the first response when you identify a shadow part is typically to reject it or try to get rid of it all together. Fortunately, and unfortunately, you cannot do that. The shadow is as much a part of your whole self as any other part of your being.
The key to embracing your shadows, rather than rejecting them, is to identify the resilient, strong, and functional aspect of the shadow and allow yourself to let go of the destructive aspects or those aspects that no longer serve you. Your “control freak” shadow part is what allowed you to stay safe as a child, and maybe helped you to be successful in your career, but she is ruining your marriage. So, you may want to keep the ambitious, tenacious, and strong nature of this shadow part but let go of the anxiety and fear that drives her.
Free yourself from the bondage of unconscious survival patterns- you have the key!
Shadows are very often fueled by fear. Fears are fueled by old core beliefs and decisions that were created in childhood based on our experience and filtered through our limited child-mind. Below I have outlined a list of a few of the big ones. See if you can relate to what is listed here:
Core Fears/Beliefs:
“What I am most afraid of is that…”
You’ll leave me / Abandonment
I’ll leave you / Consumption or Entrapment or Engulfment
I’ll Abandon myself/ Self-sacrifice
I’ll destroy or sabotage myself/ Self-sabotage
I am powerless and out of control – Victim Triangle (Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor)
These fears, until they are brought into your awareness as your own, are often projected onto your partner. You may also attract people who help you to fulfill these prophecies and help to reinforce your beliefs. We tend to attract what we believe about ourselves. For example, if you believe that “all those who love me leave,” you may attract partners who are emotionally unavailable and ultimately leave you. Learning about your shadows and the beliefs that you carry around from childhood gives you deep insight into the types of relationship patterns you have participated in or are currently experiencing. And once you have conscious awareness and insight, you also have choices about how you want to live. These choices and where you go from here become your keys to freedom and living a more authentic life.
Excavate your true self
The more you know about yourself, the more you can share with your partner and the less likely you will be to project your issues onto him or her. It creates a clear foundation for communication and intimacy. When there is less projection present (i.e., less “you” statements and more “I” statements), there is also a lot less drama (but not necessarily discomfort) within your relationship.
Know that underneath your image, your masks, and your shadows is your True Self. The original being that was brought to live here on earth and carry out your life experience. This True Self has a spiritual foundation and carries consciousness from the greater collective, and if you believe in past lives, from all the lifetimes your soul has experienced. This True Self is untainted, unconditional, and does not require any additional qualities to be worthy. loveable, or important. Once this True Self is excavated, you may feel freer, more empowered, and more connected to your meaning and purpose in this lifetime.
Heal your heart and allow it to remain open at all times
When we choose to embrace our shadows, rather than continue to resist them and attempt to eliminate them, we come into a state of acceptance. This is what is truly meant by self-acceptance. As you begin to work with this concept it leads to a more expanded path of acceptance of others and ultimately acceptance of life in an “as is” state. Michael Singer refers to his own version of this concept in The Untethered Soul, as “Unconditional Happiness” (pp. 141-147). He describes a way of living that commits to an open-heart, happiness, and acceptance all the time, no matter what happens.
Even during suffering and struggle, you maintain your commitment. When we practice this way of living, life becomes so much more joyful and fulfilling. When we are in a committed partnership, we begin to take our partner’s behavior much less seriously. We transcend the personal and experience life more fully with so much less resistance.
With an open heart, we can love others and ourselves unconditionally, exude compassion, and accept anything that life brings. As you bring your shadows into the light and integrate them into a being-ness that is more whole, you will also take yourself less seriously. As you allow your partner to witness your whole self, even the messy, childish parts, the opportunity to love each other in a much deeper way is revealed. The more consciousness you have within yourself, the more clearly you can communicate and connect with your partner. And vice versa. This opens the space for a conscious relationship to emerge and an intimacy to develop that will bring your experience of loving yourself and another to an entirely different level.
Where Do I Go From Here?
In future posts, we will begin to dive more deeply into what a conscious relationship looks like and how to navigate such a path. What you have read so far is a preparation practice to lay the groundwork for conscious relationship. This can be done in or out of a relationship, but the key is to spend some time with yourself to get to know these inner parts of you. When your true partner shows up you will be ready. If you already have a partner, this will give you some fodder for growing your relationship to another level and/or allow you to see if such a growth leap is possible within the current partnership.
If you are struggling with these processes, or want to explore more, feel free to contact me to set up an appointment or bring it up in your next therapy session. Hypnotherapy is also a great tool for getting to know your shadows, so feel free to ask me about that as well!
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