I Forgive You, It’s Not Okay
Relationships take practice. There are many dynamics that relationships help to cultivate. Forgiveness practice is one you may often struggle with. You may wonder, like most folks, if forgiveness means justifying or excusing bad behavior. It does not. You may also wonder if forgiveness is the same as an apology. It is not. Forgiveness is much more powerful than the typical “I’m sorry.”
Does this sound familiar?
YOU: “When you yelled at me yesterday, I felt scared and confused. I didn’t understand where it came from.”
PARTNER: “I’m sorry.”
YOU: “It’s okay. I was just trying to understand.”
PARTNER: “I told you I was sorry, what else do you want me to say?”
YOU: “Nothing. It’s fine.”
Is it really “okay?” or “fine?” No. The behavior is not okay, but how else are you supposed to respond to “I’m sorry?” It doesn’t give you much to work with and it does not really provide space to claim personal responsibility. It is primarily a surface answer that more likely assists with sweeping the incident and behavior under the rug, rather than reaching a sense of resolution from which your relationship can move forward. If you never feel resolved, it will just get buried until the next time it surfaces.
Let’s try a different option:
YOU: “When you yelled at me yesterday, I felt scared and confused. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I didn’t understand.”
PARTNER: “I was not able to sleep well the night before and part of me wanted to blame you for that. I know that it wasn’t your fault that I couldn’t sleep and it was just my own sleeplessness. Please forgive me for trying to make you responsible for that and for scaring and confusing you with my outburst.”
YOU: “Thanks for helping me understand. I still struggle sometimes with feeling responsible for your feelings and experiences. I forgive you.”
Notice the difference?
This gives you both an opportunity to get clear about who is responsible for what and a good reminder that no other person “creates” your experience. You are 100% responsible for those. From this place of forgiveness, it is possible to create an agreement or awareness about how you may handle this situation if it comes up again.
Also notice that nowhere in the second exchange is the behavior excused, justified, or made okay. When those words are left out, it creates more integrity in the conversation and in the connection between the two of you. Because to say “it’s okay” when deep down you really don’t think it is, would be lying to yourself and to your partner, thus taking you out of integrity. Too many of these “little lies” add up to deep resentment and a level of disrespect of yourself and your partner that will eventually serve to erode the intimacy and connection between you.
Forgiveness is for you
Forgiveness is for you. Whether you are asking for it or providing it. It allows you to release what has happened in the past and brings you more into the present moment. Forgiveness heals wounds and fosters a feeling of safety within your relationship. The personal responsibility inherent in this practice helps to keep the space between you free and clear of hurts, resentments, unfinished business, and confusion.
Where is forgiveness needed? Inquire within
Give yourselves the gift of forgiveness in your relationship. This expands to all kinds and types of relationships in your life but begins with your most intimate ones. Also give yourself the opportunity to take a personal inventory to assess where there may be a need to ask for or offer forgiveness. Allow yourself to experience the healing that comes with this practice and the empowerment that comes with listening to your own knowing about how you’ve been treated or how you have treated another.
Forgive yourself
For those of you who struggle internally with a strong inner critic, perfectionist, or deep shame, you may also wish to practice forgiveness with yourself. Forgive yourself for all your mistakes and shortcomings, for your imperfections, for your messiness, for any trauma you may have endured and blame yourself for, for accepting mistreatment, for struggling with relationships, for dishonoring yourself, for any coping mechanism that you still use even though you know it no longer serves you. You deserve to be free of your own punishment. Forgiveness is a powerful tool of seeing yourself with compassion and giving yourself permission to make a different choice. You are always free to choose something different.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Remember, the title of this blog is “forgiveness practice.” So treat it as such. Each day, incorporate forgiveness into your awareness and begin to take advantage of opportunities to practice. Practice a little bit every day. With some people or experiences, forgiveness may be a process that takes time. Listen for those times when you say “I’m sorry” or “it’s okay” and give yourself permission to choose a different way. Eventually, it will become something that comes naturally. Just take one step at a time and do the best you can.
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