A Relationship Toolbox for the Holidays
As we come into the holiday season, life can get stressful and can oftentimes take a toll on relationships. Below I have created a toolbox with some helpful phrases and tools to utilize all the time, but will be helpful to remember and come back to when you feel stuck. Use this as an opportunity to review these concepts with your partner before you go into your next family event, holiday party, or whatever you need to navigate together. Being prepared will help to ward off some of the common traps that are so easy to fall into. May this help to make your holidays the merriest and brightest yet!
1) “I” statements vs. “YOU” statements:
Whenever you feel a reaction of any sort to what you partner is doing or saying, take a moment to check in with yourself to identify what you are feeling. Anger and Frustration typically come up first, but allow yourself to go underneath those feelings to identify the deeper feeling (usually it is hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness, guilt, or shame). Remember, your partner has not “made” you feel this way. Rather he/she has “triggered” something within you, that is YOURS. Allow this to be an opportunity to look at yourself, get honest, and identify what you need in order to attend to these feelings and care for yourself.
Whatever insight you have from this internal inquiry, share it with your partner. Here’s an example of how that sharing might go: “What I noticed about myself when this happened was _______” OR “I realized that _______________ was happening or got triggered for me during our last conversation. What I have now learned about myself is _______________ and I’m now going to do ______________ to take care of myself when that issue comes up. What I would like from you (if anything) is _______________________.”
The above example helps you stay in “I” statements rather than “You” statements. Notice that the above conversation has nothing to do with what your partner did, except to acknowledge that they triggered you. The rest of what you are sharing is about what YOU are learning about yourself and what you want to do different. Maintaining the “I” stance will reduce defensiveness, arguments, and hurt. It’s tough to argue with your partner when they are sharing their own process with you.
2) “How can I help?”
Rather than say, “How can I help you?” Say, “what might you need from yourself right now?” And then you may ask, “Is there anything that you would like from me?” It will be your partner’s responsibility to answer this question honestly.
If your partner asks this of you and you truly don’t need anything, say that. If you would like something but instead say “I’m fine,” and hope your partner figures out what you want, you may be waiting for a long time and will inevitably get disappointed, because contrary to popular belief, our partners cannot read minds!
And if you are the one asking these questions and your partner tells you “I am okay, I got this.” Please believe them and respect them enough to trust that they are fully capable of taking care of themselves.
3) Needs Vs. Wants
Needs Vs. Wants. There is an entire blog post dedicated to this topic, but for our current conversation what is important to remember is this: you meet your own needs and you can always ask for what you want from your partner but you may or may not be able to get it. Just as I said above, you must answer your partner honestly if they make a request. If you cannot meet their want, you need to say that. If you are willing to meet it, you must do so freely, with no strings or resentments attached. If you feel resentment bubbling up, your answer to their request is NO.
To get clear about this, use these inquiries: “What do I need from myself in this moment?” “What would I like (if anything) from my partner?”
3) Supporting vs. Rescuing:
Learn the subtle difference between rescuing each other and supporting each other. Rescuing is doing something for your partner that he/she is fully capable of doing or learning for themselves. Support is being there for your partner while he/she goes through whatever it is they need to do. Rescuing is a form of “doing.” Support is a form of “being.” If you have an expectation that your partner is supposed to DO something for you, reflect on that and see if it is something that you need to challenge yourself to grow into being able to do for yourself. This will take you out of any type of victim mentality and move you further into an empowered sense of self.
4) In Order to Provide Support, You Must First Be Able to Support Yourself:
An important question to consider in your relationship is: “How can you lean on each other when neither of you can hold yourself up?” This calls for some reflection on how much you each lean on each other to compensate for your own lack of self-care, ability to self-soothe, and self-reflect. As you contemplate these questions, it may become clear that you each need to focus more on self-care and getting clear about what your own needs are before you can look to your partner. Share what you are learning with your partner, but don’t expect him/her to hold you up. You each must hold yourselves up and stand on your own two feet. Then, from this stance, you can reach out and hold each other, but from equal footing, rather than the tenuous stance of two people off balance trying to keep the other from falling.
5) Learn the Art of Self-Soothing:
A great concept to begin working with and maybe researching more is “Self-Soothing.” How might you soothe yourself when you are stressed, having a bad day, having a feeling, dealing with tough life events or stressors? This goes with a self-care practice that includes good sleep, eating well, exercising, listening to and following your inner knowing, and participating in some form of spiritual practice. Anything that feeds you on a deep level would need to be included here.
If these ideas resonate with you, please remember that I have many blogs on my website that speak to several of these issues. You are not alone in your struggles. The challenges I’ve discussed here come up all the time in my office. Just allow that to reassure you that marriage can be very difficult at times, and it is not for the faint of heart. But it can also be a portal for the most significant growth of your lifetime and most definitely can help you learn and practice what love truly means.
Click here for more information on couples counseling.